Friday, December 10, 2004

Save Pale Male!

I am outraged! Again!

You see, for the past twelve years, a red-tailed hawk named Pale Male and his mate, Lola, have taken up residence outside a penthouse suite in the luxury apartment building at 927 Fifth Avenue (and 74th Street), across the street from Central Park. Bird watchers from around the world come to the park every year to watch Pale Male raise his chicks… until last Tuesday, that is. That’s because the co-op board at 927 Fifth Avenue (and 74th Street), a bunch of "self-absorbed millionaire bird-brains," as the Daily News called them, voted to take down Pale Male’s nest and the spikes it was built on, even though Pale Male is supposedly protected by migratory bird laws.

This has become a really big news story in the New York area, and I don’t think it’s because this city is filled with bird lovers. After all, the city is basically covered in pigeon shit. I think it’s one of those David and Goliath things, where you’ve got this poor defenseless bird being harassed by the rich, spoiled cocksucker tenants at 927 Fifth Avenue (and 74th Street). New Yorkers — well, New Yorkers who don’t live on the Upper East Side (remember that old bitch "Juror No. 4"?) — don’t like the obscenely wealthy among us. The rest of the nation is hooked on "The Apprentice;" we see through Trump for the asshole that he truly is. For some reason, the morons in the red states haven't seen fit to tax the living shit out of these rich bastards, and we wind up with people like the ones living at 74th Street and 5th Avenue who think they can run roughshod over whoever they like.

So what do we do about this? Of course, since there's no justice in the world, God isn't gonna burn down the offending co-op at 927 Fifth Avenue (and 74th Street) so that these heartless bastards can see what it's like to have their home destroyed. Part of me fantasizes about finding out the names of the people who voted for having Pale Male's nest removed, then breaking into their penthouses and lofts and leaving piles of fish chum and rotting animal carcasses in their homes — just doing something so these people have no home to come back to. I guess the best we can really do is follow the PETA example with people wearing furs: stand outside the building, which, by the way, is at 927 Fifth Avenue (and 74th Street), and harass whoever goes in and comes out, throwing bird shit and dead pigeons at them until they vote to restore Pale Male's nest.

Oh yeah, hopefully there will also be some prosecutions. Avian lovers take their migratory bird laws freaking seriously.