Every election year, we hear the insipid talking head commentary on the network news: this is going to be the worst election year for mudslinging ever. And maybe it's true. Maybe every four years, those Madison Avenue slicksters come up with new and better and more creative invective for the Joe Bag-o'-Donuts morons who comprise this country to swallow. Four years ago, it was "Gore will raise your taxes;" this year, it will probably be something like "Kerry will eat your children."

I used to think that was bad until I took my Classical Traditions course, which is ostensibly a survey of ancient Greek and Roman literary genres but inevitably devolves into a course about homoeroticism. You see, when the Greeks invented democracy, they hadn't really worked all the kinks out, and it wasn't long before orators and demagogues started taking advantage of the cultural flaws in the system in order to get every Theocritus Bag-'o-Donuts to vote their way.

Case in point: Demosthenes and Aeschines. Alexander the Great has been conquering Greece and he's at Athens's doorstep, and the Athenian denizens need to decide whether they should pay tribute to Alexander. Demosthenes is in the forum arguing that the Athenians should declare war on Alexander, while Aeschines's argument is, "Demosthenes is gay. Let me list the ways in which Demosthenes is gay." To which Demosthenes replies, in front of the entire Athenian populace, "Don't you all think Aeschines is a little too straight?"

In case you were wondering, Demosthenes wins the argument.

And then nobody compares to Cicero when it comes to character assassination. From his Pro Caelio, defending Marcus Caelius on charges of conspiracy — Cicero argues that his archrival's slutty sister Clodia entrapped young, innocuous Caelius — "I would argue this case with vigor if not for the animosity I have with that woman's husband... oh, excuse me, I meant brother. I'm always making that mistake."