Primitive

I'll tell you, nothing good ever happens after one in the morning. The frat boys are drunk, Conan's got his crappy guests on, or you're at the Crane Club and you spot the cute girl you like letting herself get felt up by some other loser white boy whose only dance move — besides playing with her tits, that is — is this half-cocked spastic fist-pump that went out with roller skates and disco. I think there ought to be a law: not that straight white guys aren't allowed to dance in clubs, but each white guy should be given an eighteen square inch area on the dance floor, and if his arm or foot should move outside his boundary, I ought to be allowed to shoot him. This would turn the club from a total grope-fest to a scene of order and civility, with the occassional murderous gunshot.

Music makes people do weird things that they'd never ever do in silence, like dancing or letting some loser dipshit simulate fucking her from behind or use cell phone text messaging. It's like everybody's so sick of the troubles of normal communication, talking, using their own words, they just blast some horny rapper as loud as possible and reduce their need for human interaction to the bare minimums — drinking and screwing. These rappers, who, I should mention, are such freaking disgusting human beings that there's no way they'd ever be able to get bitches to sit, stay, heel, and fetch — let alone women — were it not for their otherwise pointless ability to rhyme and buy bling-bling... these rappers just order the dance floor around. "Put'chur handz in da air!" or "Slappem wit' ur dick!" or whatever. Personally, I resent being bossed around by my music, but since everyone else is a sheep, they don't seem to mind. What we need is a rapper who tells everybody to "Stand still and shut the fuck up already!" Then, "Keep the conversation to a dull roar and if a really sweet but shy guy asks you to dance, don't lie and say you're tired, cause maybe, just maybe, you don't know what you're missing, okay?"

And maybe the rapper could throw in something about a hug or a peck on the cheek, just to make God smile.