Another Reason Children Suck

One of the great things about being a graduate — a high-school graduate — is that from eight in the morning to three in the afternoon, I get to do whatever I want. In particular, I no longer have to spend my time in that oppressive hellhole called school. (Nyahh, nyahh, Mom! You still have to go to school and I don't!) So why is it that whenever I go out during midday, I always see these frickin' kids everywhere. I mean, 10:30 on a Tuesday morning, and there are school-age children walking around, riding their bikes, going grocery shopping.... Summer hasn't started yet! I need to be free from those little cooties-infected bastards!

Now today, I was at the Chelsea Market, which is a mall in New York City that primarily plays host to classy gourmet food shops. I sat down by the waterfall to get some work done, and in retrospect, this was probably not the best place to sit. Because there was this family there — a mother, a little girl, maybe three years old, and some other people — and for some reason, the little girl was crying. I tried to maintain my famous equanimity, but eventually I had to look and see what was wrong. And I looked over, and the little girl was standing in the middle of the mall, peeing on herself while I, her mother, and a mall janitor stared. No one moved.

Little kids have no shame. Somebody should do something about that.

Of course, that's not all. Now the janitor, who was obviously thrilled to death that this kid walked into his life, went up to the mother and asked her, "Why didn't you do something? Now I've gotta clean this up." And the mother — a fat, angry blob of disinterest — in her distaff wisdom replied, "What did you expect me to do?"

Even dogs know not to do it inside...

So the moral of this story is, dumb people should not be allowed to reproduce. I mean, if we put heavy restrictions on ugly people, then this is only a natural next step.

Anyway, apparently the janitor had more important cleaning emergencies, and he decided the puddle of piss would evaporate all on its own. (Side note: it took a surprisingly long time to evaporate...) He didn't even bother to put out one of those yellow "Caution: Wet Floor" signs. People were stepping in it and rolling their strollers through it. Another happy ending, all thanks to kids.