The more I think about it, the less impressed I am with this guy who knows all the answers on "Jeopardy". Sure, it was cool watching him amass $9,200 before anyone else managed to buzz in once, but I think I got this guy pegged: He just rings in on every damn question, and I'm supposed to impressed that he knows the answers? I'm more impressed that he beats the other contestants to the buzzer.

After all, I know most of the "Jeopardy" answers, and most of the "Millionaire" answers, too, but apparently the challenge is getting to your buzzer before the other players. It's one thing to sit in front of the television and shout out answers; it's another to do it for real. I don't think that point has really sunk in — I fly out of my seat like its burning rubber when I answer a two-thousand dollar question that Ken the Jeopardy Genius missed: "Oh, what is 'Prince Maximillian I'? What is 'magnitude'? Fuck, yeah, I knew the answer and that guy didn't! Alex Trebek is my bitch!"

But I get the feeling if I was ever fortunate enough to actually get on Jeopardy or Millionaire, in front of a national audience, I'd denature into a bit more of a pussy. It's easy to shout out the wrong answer and call Alex Trebek your bitch from the safety of your bedroom, but I think I have too much shame to do that in public. They should make a pill for that.