Massive Inner Squirming

Grandma and I are sitting on the couch, staring, doing nothing. She, because she's old, and me, because I'm just plain dull. Mom is in the other room.

Jay: Mom! I'm bored!

Grandma: You should get a girlfriend.

Apparently, the concept of a non-sequitur is unfamiliar to Grandma.

Grandma: Why don't you go find yourself a nice girl? You know some girls, right?

This, unfortunately, was not the first time Grandma's hinted that she wants to see me married off. I guess it was my sophomore year of high school, before I met Anne, and my cousin Lexy and her mom were over at Grandma's house. Lexy is my age, and I guess the grown-ups thought it would be really cute to leave us alone together, watching TV, and let nature and hormones take their course. (By the way, Lexy is my cousin by marriage, so we're not like some inbred Alabama family. Nevertheless, Grandma often suggests going to a family reunion to meet girls, which I believe is on Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be a Redneck" list.) Nothing happened between Lexy and me; I believe a proved myself to be a total faggot by watching Oprah or something with her in utter, nerve-wrenching silence.

Nuttin attracts dem girls like dat tere Oprah Winfrey...

It's just that as if the dating world wasn't awkward enough, being a three in a world of eights and nines, Grandma's got to push her agenda through committee too. Not that I can really blame her; she's old and she might not have that much time left to see her only grandson get paired up. But sheesh.... she's my grandmother. And I don't see her getting dressed up, doing her make-up, and slutting around at the senior citizens center. (Thank God, now that I've got that image in my mind.) I hate to disappoint the woman, but I just can't imagine the whole two-by-two thing working out the way she expects. "What, you're not gonna hold the door open? A gentleman always holds the door open..."

Or, "Back in those days, the gentleman always paid. Not like they do today, today they split everything." And there's the music, and the "I don't like this kind of show" TV shows, and the way the kids wear their fucking pants around their ankles so you can see their underwear. (Gotta agree with Grandma on the last one there.) My grandfather, her husband, actually had to ask her dad before — not before he could propose — but before he could just take her to the movies. And this was the forties, so it's not like they had make-out flicks back then... all they had were black-and-white movies of people spontaneously tap-dancing, and you can't make out to that. And she had to be back home by eleven. (At night, I think...) And Grandpa "checked my coat..."

Jay: Wait, they had a coat check at the movie theater?

Grandma: Well, sure, it's not like today where they just throw everything anywhere, and get their soda and popcorn and blah blah blah...