Well, tonight's the big night! Has it really been a full year since the last Miss Teen USA pageant? Evidently, yes, it has been.

Teen delegates from all over the United States gather in the desert oasis to impress a panel of judges with their poise and beauty. During the telecast on NBC, the final 15 are announced and they compete in evening gown and swimsuit competitions as the finalists are narrowed to the top ten and the top five.

Two questions now emerge. First, who the hell cares? I'm heterosexual, and it only took me about thirty seconds to get bored with the damn thing. Honestly, I just wanna fuck 'em, not watch 'em prance around the stage and answer inane questions. And second, we're still letting girls compete in beauty pageants, completely oblivious to how pointless and misogynistic they are? Okay, I've seen "Showbiz Moms and Dads," and I understand that there are still tubby, oily-skinned white trash moms with drooping boobs out there, living vicariously through their hot daughters, feeling a warm maternal glow every time one of those Z-list judges rates their progeny a ten. But maybe, please, can Child Services help these poor, poor people out — give 'em a Vicadin maybe, or a hobby, or perhaps a real job. Could be that a few preening-free days as a corporate shill will wipe those smiles off their vacant faces.