I caught this headline in today's never-sensationalized New York Post: FBI 'MOBILIZES' IN PROBE OF PARIS HILTON HACK ATTACK.

Thank God.

I can rest easy tonight, knowing that both the FBI and the Secret Service are taking time off from stopping Al-Qaeda to find out who splashed our nation's most precious semi-retarded heiress's little black book all over the internet.

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Someone hacked into Paris Hilton's Blackberry and posted all her phone numbers on the internet. Yeah... Paris said, "I haven't felt this violated since three days ago." —Conan O'Brien