Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Other Folks's Problems

From the "Next Blog" button in the upper right-hand corner of the page, I randomly came across DTNS Blog, which is a list of Data Tech Network Solutions' boss Bill Hanley's complaints about his employees. It's also a hilarious, if unintentional, commentary on the sanitized, corporatized workplace, where the employees repress themselves in the noble name of landing accounts and then find themselves stuck with each other and the ridiculous, if not unpredictable, outcomes of their supposedly professional corporate culture. Hanley absolutely refuses to mask the contempt he has for his employees. For example, he doesn't just announce layoffs, but he announces in his blog that there will be layoffs. Mary's duties are "light-administrative" and he does not "think it necessary to ask Mary her opinion on big picture items."

This guy is probably getting paid more than I could ever hope to make.

Clearly Hanley's employees don't take him seriously at all. Recently, the employees have been taking to saying "shove it up your ass" to each other, which is the most benign thing you can possibly say that still counts as profanity. Nevertheless: "This is not acceptable." It turns out that there's a whole list of stuff that's unacceptable at DTNS: profanity, parking in the executive parking spaces, having Mary sit in on client meetings, criminal mischief, suggesting that Hanley isn't really working from home when he says he's working from home, violent crime, drug abuse, anyone exposed to contamination from the explosions on the Sao Paolo project donating blood, and whatever "Steve did today." So Hanley asks, quite reasonably, "Weather [sic] or not a client is on-site, please refrain from using profanity in the office." And here's the comments from Hanley's loyal troops.


Anonymous said...

Hey fuck you Hanley, you shit, HAH!

-Jessica, the slut

8:38 AM
Jessica said...

I am NOT a slut, and I did NOT say that!

8:52 AM
Anonymous said...

Yes I did!! Eat fuck Hanley!!!

- Jessica, the slutty slut

8:53 AM
Anonymous said...

She who smelt it dealt it

9:33 AM
Anonymous said...

If you're NOT a slut, then what about that shit at Olive Garden with yout tongue down HANLEY'S FUCKING THROAT???

9:35 AM
Hanley's Jealous Ass said...

Yeah, and I saw you in TGI fucking-Friday's with Lawrence's hand up your fucking short ass skirt!

9:42 AM
Manly Hanley said...

Could you sluts keep away from the got-damn resta-fucking-raunts, cause if you keep this shit up even the food courts gonna be fucking kicking your asses out soon.

And then WE're not even gonna get any freaking lunch, Dick, Slut

9:51 AM
Bill Hanley said...

Attention staff,

IT has informed me that anonymous users from the outside have unrestriced access to the site.

IT is working on cleaning this up.

Anyone not employed by DTNS, please DO NOT post to this site!

9:54 AM
I would've suggested to Hanley that he implement a swear jar policy at DTNS, but I guess he thinks he's doing fine without my help. As for the situation with Mary walking in on staff meetings, someone suggested — seriously, it seems — that they try and find some incentives for Mary to stay in the staff lounge. Hanley's response: "The staff lounge is off limits to interns and part-time. As a part time employee, Mary is not allowed access to the staff lounge." Yes, Hanley, forget about how Mary is costing you clients and stick to the guidelines in the corporate handbook, which clearly did not forsee Mary's aimless wandering.

Let's see, some other golden posts from DTNS corporate.... (Well, they're all golden, but let's pick out our favorites, shall we.)

Holy shit, oh my God... So here's a post where Bill wants everybody to welcome Mary to the organization that will apparently be sucking her soul. And Brad writes: "Welcome aboard Mary! (Please post this greeting on the staff room bulletin board for Mary and Sonia who don't have email)". The bulletin board in the same staff room that Mary's not allowed in! I say that for all DTNS corporate doubletalk about being welcoming and team-oriented, they might sound a little more sincere if they didn't exclude the new hire from the break room. Honestly, what's the harm?

Monday, April 11, 2005

Burning Bridges

A big thanks to Jessica and Tom for losing the Orlando account.

There will be a short staff meeting this afternoon to announce some demotions and restructuring.
Subtle, Bill. Subtle. Maybe you should take away their staff lounge privileges until Jessica and Tom shape up.

I'll leave the rest for you to enjoy. It's not really funny near the end, as something blows up in Sao Paolo and apparently someone dies, but the corporate response to it — publicly telling the employees not to speak with the media, for example — is still telling. For the record, Corporate seems like a bunch of controlling assholes, and I really can't believe that they're suprised when the employees turn out the same way.