How Come These Fascinating Lines Never Appear In My Conversations?

For some reason, I just find it very tough to throw sentences like, "Janet said that no boyfriends were invited to her party. But she then made exceptions, for different reasons, for the boyfriends of every other girl who is invited to the party who has a boyfriend. Except for you. So I'm worried that she may not like you," or like, "I'm just out here trying to sell comedy club tickets to upper middle class white people. What are you doing?" into my daily conversations. Brilliant lines like those never follow naturally after "Hey, how're you doing?"