Friday, July 22, 2005

In response to the terrorism in London, they started "random" bag searches in the New York City subway system. I wasn't exactly sure how I felt about the idea —— not that anybody consulted me or anything —— until I saw former NYC police commissioner and civil rights violator Howard Safir on CNN this morning saying the stupidest thing I have ever heard someone say on the topic of national security that didn't involve color-coding something. Safir said that the random checks makes it harder for a terrorist to successfully attack the subway system, so "the terrorists will choose another target."

Are you freaking kidding me???!!!

The idea, Mr. Safir, is to keep the terrorists from attacking any targets. It doesn't help if I get off the subway safely only to be blown up at the mall and trapped under ten feet of costume jewelry and novelty fuzzy slippers for a week, surviving on nothing but the scraps of Cinnabun and Panda Express that happened to land within arms' reach. However, I think I have a solution to this whole terrorist problem that'll make everybody happy: disenfranchised Islamic fundamentalists, uber-patriotic oil gluttons, people like me who just want to get through their day without having to think about international politics.

Here's my plan. First, we gather up all the suicide bombers and lock them in Wal-Marts around the country with giant bags of fertilizer. This way, they all get to kill themselves while destroying a superfluous symbol of American decadence. There won't be any other casualties because the day before, we give everybody who buys the crap at Wal-Mart cheap tickets to Afghanistan. "Attention Wal-Mart shoppers, for today only, receive a free set of Dale Earhardt, Jr. commemorative dinnerware with the purchase of any two five-dollar plane tickets to a desert wasteland in the middle of nowhere." This will make all those redneck militia weirdos happy because while Afghanistan may be known for many things, its gun control laws aren't one of them. Meanwhile, with all our homemade crazies on the other side of the world, we won't be seeing any religious groups protest while America legalizes gay marriage. And since we've gotten rid of Wal-Mart, nobody's going to be getting a ten-dollar knockoff DVD player for a wedding gift.