Thursday, July 14, 2005

Jay Initiates His Addiction to Energy Drinks

Even though I'm pretty much always halfway to slumberland, I've stayed away from the recent caffinated energy drink fad. I was suspicious, and I think my suspicions were more or less justified when Nelly unabashedly came out with a "hip-hop energy drink" called Pimpjuice (ironic true Pimpjuice news article here) and Lil' Jon came out with Crunk!!! exclamation-point exclamation-point explanation-point. We've also got Monster, Rockstar, Hype, Shark, and XS, so apparently the guy who comes up with names for street drugs has a day job. But on Tuesday, I met Lenore and became instantly jealous of her boundless energy, and I thought why not try a little experiment.

I went with a classic, Red Bull, this Austrian drink starring in TV commercials featuring the antithesis of crude, loudmouthed, overcaffinated rappers. In America they advertise to the vanilla-background, line drawing demographic but back in Austria, Red Bull sponsors all these Matterhorn cliff divers and skateboarders and rock climbers and had I known that, I might have gone with Shark or possibly Crunk!!! because I'm white and don't really know what that means. But I went with Red Bull and I'm glad I did since they also sponsor, uh, ex-treme origami, a sport always in desperate financial need.

Now, before I take my first sip of Red Bull in front of the entire blogosphere, let's talk about what I shall be ingesting for science. Red Bull contains 80 milligrams of caffeine, 600 milligrams of glucuronolactone, and an entire gram's worth of something called taurine. Yum. This is from the Red Bull website: Red Bull Energy Drink is a functional product developed especially for periods of increased mental and physical exertion. Red Bull sounds a lot like a reality show. Improves concentration and reaction speed. Improves vigilance. Improves emotional status. Whatever that means. The website also tells us that, "All ingredients used for Red Bull® Energy Drink are synthetically produced." Just like a reality show.

Okay, I'm ready to try out this mutant Gatorade. In three... two... one....

Oh, God, that's gross! It has the distinct taste and odor of someone else's chewed bubble gum, kind of what you'd imagine something called "Pimpjuice" might taste like. Red Bull is more saccharine than a thousand Halloweens and every episode of Seventh Heaven ever made combined. Maybe Red Bull gives you wings, but if you take more than a few sips of the stuff, it also gives you nausea. I poured the rest of the can down the sink, so if Red Bull works like it claims, I'm expecting that in a week or so, Fanwood will be overrun by hyperactive sewer monsters with improved concentration and reaction speed, vigilance, and emotional status.