Do Insipid Journalists Go To Heaven?

August 16, 2005 8:32 AM — NBC's Today show breaks the most Earth-shattering news story ever. Bigger than the U.S. invasion of Iraq. Bigger than 9/11. Life will never be the same now that the artist formerly known as P. Diddy will be, henceforth, known simply as "Diddy."

I, along with the IRS, will continue to call him Sean because he lives in the Hamptons next door to Martha Stewart and Steven Spielberg and that makes Puffy (a) at least as white as I am and (b) totally ineligible for a puerile krumping rap nickname. I might also call him Captain Media Whore if it's a slow news week for Donald Trump.

Since Douchey there never does anything arbitrarily, he told Katie and Matt what's up with the name change. I hoped this would be a sign that Sean was going into witness protection; but no, he did it for the fans: "I felt like the 'P' was getting between me and my fans and now we're closer," Skiddy said with a completely straight face. It seems like Dummy's fans are a bit confused over what to chant mindlessly at his concerts. Quoth Mr. Flashy Tie: "During concerts, half the crowd is saying 'P. Diddy' — half the crowd is chanting 'Diddy' — now everybody can just chant 'Diddy.'" He's a sort of hip-hop Gandhi, uniting those who would chant "P. Diddy" with those who would chant "Diddy," and threatening to kill everybody who doesn't vote. We should really send him to Iraq to help them hammer out their constitution.