What the fuck is wrong with egomaniacal illusionist slash anorexic goth chick Criss Angel? He goes around Las Vegas performing x-treme magic in front of tourists on the street like having an SUV drive over him while he lies on a bed of nails and walking down the side of a skyscraper without a harness and all sorts of other stunts that make David Blaine look like a total pussy sitting in a glass box. Okay, so Criss Angel, and there's no way in hell that's his real name, does this episode of his A&E show Mindfreak called "Burned Alive" where (duh) he sets himself on fire. The website's carney-style description reads:

Facing one of our biggest fears, Criss attempts to be burned alive.... Criss sets up a spectacular stunt where he is set ablaze two separate times. First a partial body burn test by the Aladdin Hotel pool in Las Vegas, [sic] that lasts over 20 seconds. Then a full 46 second body burn with no hands or face protection that shoots 20 ft. flames off Criss at temperatures above 1500 degrees in front of a huge crowd on Fremont Street in Downtown Las Vegas.

Now first of all, one of our biggest fears? Nuclear terrorism, public speaking, spiders. Not so much having nighmares about some Hollywood "fire master" chasing me with an acetylene torch. And second, what the website doesn't mention is that Crissy is setting himself aflame on his mom's birthday, and that the fire stunt is his gift to her. What the hell did this poor woman do to Chris in his formative years to deserve getting a suicide attempt for a birthday gift?

I'd hate to see Mother's Day in the Angel household: "Open your present, Mom. It's a dozen roses and an attempted matricide."

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Also, Bravo Channel, just because the film is called Independence Day doesn't mean it's an independent film. Or a good one.