Jay Finds His Mission In Life

I just found a new role model in life. It's this guy here→

His name is Suresh Joachim and while some people are out there curing cancer or rescuing hurricane victims, he's living out my dream by getting his lazy couch-potato ass into the Guinness Book of World Records for the longest time spent continuously watching TV. Seriously. Almost three days and nights straight. This is what man has evolved into.

This is perfect. Joachim holds sixteen Guinness records — things like longest time spent standing on one foot and longest time spent bowling — which probably means that, like me, he has no real job. Unlike me, however, Joachim has no shame, since he completed his pointless stunt on the Live with Regis and Kelly show, either making some deep meta-televised statement or proving that he's a media whore. Also, he only watched ABC's quality programs for his record-setting attempt, meaning he got an eyeful of everything from The View to According to Jim. Joachim clearly has a high tolerance for pain and George Lopez's family-friendly humor.

Aside from that, I don't see any reason why I can't amass enough Starbucks and Red Bull to stay awake for, say, four days watching television. I mean, that's pretty much all I do anyway.

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Another hero of mine: Richard Canzler of Australia who, on June 19 of this year, set a new world record for most bras unhooked in sixty seconds. Richard, we salute you, and the many, many parasites we imagine are living on your body.