Here's my pet peeve of the day: fat people who take up more than their allotted eighteen inches of seat space on the subway. I need my square foot and a half of personal space. Like today, the ass sitting next to me — if he was any closer we'd be making out. Speaking of which, how come it's always a smelly dude next to me and never a hot chick? Or an average chick?

Until that happens, I'd like to see them install stainless-steel adamantium blades between the seats so we can start training people to keep their appendages to themselves. Cause what happens now is I just get passive-aggressive on my neighbors, like pretending that I have to stretch or something, and that never really works. Maybe if I did that, but stopped wearing deodorant, it would help.