Thursday, October 6, 2005

Toad Hall

I'd like to introduce you to the most freaking ostentatious place ever born of the mind of man: ABC Carpet & Home in New York City. It's the place I go to when I need visual overstimulation because you're pretty much shrooming as soon as you walk in the door. I found out about this place freshman year of college, when I was living in a dim little cubbyhole where the nicest furniture were these Yaffa blocks Mom made me buy, and Yaffa blocks are like what Scandanavian rednecks use instead of stereo racks. They're modular, and they say, "I'm poor, but I'm not so poor that I'm putting my TV that works on top of a TV that doesn't work."
And here I am at ABC, surrounded by all this baroque, super-expensive furniture and just downright puzzled, "Who is fucking insane enough to put this ugly-ass crap in their house?" It's not just the cost of the furniture and decorations, but then you'd have to pay off all your guests to stop asking you what the hell you were thinking.

Where else can you throw away a couple thousand dollars on a Vishnu idol, cause that'll show all those bastards in yoga class how spiritual you are? As if one sofa made from a petrified tree trunk wasn't enough, ABC has three for you to choose from. They run between six and eight thousand dollars, which is a lot to spend to have people sit on something uncomfortable while laughing at you. But there's nothing quite as gaudy as ABC's Adirondack and American Country line, at right.

Here's a close-up of that chandelier. Yes, those are antlers. What is that???!!! Just in case the crazies Trading Spaces got to redecorate your house decide to go with a moose motif.

Dude, I must own this humpy cow. But I don't think it goes with my curtains...