I was down in Atlantic City today, and I just have one suggestion for the management at the Sands casino: put some clothes on your goddamn cocktail waitresses! Yes, on TV and in the movies the casino cocktail waitresses are always these reasonably fuckable young women, but those chicks are all at the Borgata or somewhere else and the waitresses at the Sands are invariably in their mid-to-late hundreds and have no business traipsing around anywhere in a prison orange miniskirt. You can take my drink order just as easily wearing a muumuu like all the other grandmas in Atlantic City, thank you very much.

No, I'm sure this is just another nefarious casino technique to get me drunk and impaired. Too bad that I'd die from alcohol poisoning long before booze would make Eileen the over-botoxed drink girl even remotely attractive.