Tuesday, January 10, 2006

From Reuters, here's only the best entertainment news headline of the past million years or so: "German cannibal finds film distasteful". Unlike human flesh, I guess. According to the article, Felicity star and apparent hairstyle augur Keri Russell is starring in something called "Butterfly: A Grimm Love Story," where she plays a graduate student who becomes obsessed with the online voraphilia community. Sounds like a perfect date movie. It's scheduled to be released in Germany this March, but (in case you're intrigued) a U.S. release date hasn't been set yet, ostensibly because distributor Senator Film isn't sure whether a horror flick about cannibalism will appeal to Americans' refined sensibilities.

The only problem is that the film is facing a lawsuit from one Armin Meiwes (at left — and nooooo, he doesn't look like a serial killer at all...), who in my humble opinion is the coolest cannibal ever, totally beating out the Donner Party and those loser soccer players stranded in the Andes. Here's what makes Meiwes so damn awesome: Have you ever had some sexual fantasy that's a little bit taboo, and you were afraid to bring it up because your partner might give you that "you're unclean" evil eye look? Have you ever been not completely honest on your Friendster profile cause you didn't want to look like a total weirdo? I can't bring myself to anonymously text a girl across the room, "i think ur kewl," but somehow Armin gets the guts... er, bad choice of words.... He has the balls to... no, that's no good either... he finds the inner fortitude to post an online ad looking for someone just dying (ha!) to be eaten. Okay, I'm done with the puns.

Anyway, Meiwes got a response from one Bernd J├╝rgen Armando Brandes, who comes off in this story as the biggest jackass this side of the family Mantidae. (See, this is why I keep my private fantasies private — some blogger might come along three years after I die and call me names.) Brandes agreed to meet Armin, whereupon Meiwes would cut off Brandes's penis, sautee it, and the two would make a meal of it before Meiwes killed the rest of Brandes. Actually, Brandes, being the picky victim that he was, insisted that Meiwes bite off his penis and eat it raw. It turned out that wasn't physically possible, or, one presumes, sanitary.

God, their mothers must be so proud.

Meiwes was caught after (allegedly!) posting another request for delicious, vitamin-rich live cock on the internet and sentenced to eight and a half years for manslaughter. Seriously, Armin, I know you're in Germany, like the birthplace of paraphilia, but still... this isn't Bangkok or Cambodia or some other legal black hole, dude. But getting back to my original story, don't you think that if you were caught violating one of Western society's last taboos, on video (I'll spare you the link), and paraded in front of the entire country as one of your nation's biggest sickos, you might consider keeping a low media profile, right? Not Armin.

"I feel used," Armin said of Butterfly and his lawsuit to keep the film out of German theaters. Ironic, when you think of how Brandes probably felt while he was being eaten, although I get the sense that the irony's lost on Armin. He's also filing a lawsuit against the rock band Rammstein, in which Meiwes claims that they based one of their songs on his wacky life story, and he's appealing his manslaughter conviction. In Meiwes's mind, it's not murder if the other guy agrees to it. (The misanthrope in me sympathizes.) So best of luck to Armin in his upcoming court dates, and here's hoping all that human-eating doesn't catch up with him. No, I mean, how could that possibly happen...?