Thursday, January 5, 2006

Just When I Thought I'd Have Nothing To Write About...

You know, I don't care at all about Ariel Sharon or Israel or peace in the Middle East, but could someone please shut Pat Robertson the fuck up?! I don't watch the 700 Club because, well, I prefer it when my bile stays inside my body, so I have to rely on the Associated Press and The Daily Show for my spiritual flim-flam news. According to the AP, the crazy bubble monkeys living inside Robertson's head got all antsy on today's show, and they made him take a break from making lame threats against small Pennsylvania towns and calling on our government to break the fifth commandment so he might offer his diagnosis regarding Ariel Sharon. Quoth Prophet Pat: "He [Sharon] was dividing God's land, and I would say, 'Woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course to appease the EU, the United Nations or the United States of America.'"

I guess we have to realize that Robertson is a fundamentalist, so for him, pretty much anything that isn't speaking in tongues bears the mark of the Beast. But God doesn't smite you for going against His will, or, apparently, for scamming elderly people into sending you their Social Security money. God smites you for being overweight and stressed and, let's not forget, for freaking living in Israel where there's like a mall bombing every single fucking day! Oh, what is that? Somebody threw a grenade into a wedding ceremony? Must be Tuesday.

Seriously, no place is perfect, but if Israel is really "God's land," He's a total slumlord. Here in New York, crime is at a thirty-year low and I still live in the suburbs, because I like not having some wacko kill me over a thousand-year-old grudge. From my visit to the Vatican and my reading of The Da Vinci Code, I'm guessing God is more of a Dubai-type deity anyway.

I think there's something to Robertson's model, though: You find a bunch of gullible people and get them to make a financial commitment to your insane cause. We need to do the same thing, but with someone getting on the airwaves for an hour a day and just talking logic and reason... and then soliciting donations. They'll go to a good cause — we use the money and hire someone to smack Pat Robertson every time something asinine comes out of his mouth.

Remember, Pat, Jesus loves you. But everyone else thinks you're an ass.