The Pheonix, which I guess is a Boston area news rag, compiled their list of the least sexy men in the world, and I'm proud to announce that I'm not on it. That's right, ladies, there are at least a hundred dudes in the world less attractive than I am, so start lining up now. According to the Pheonix, Gilbert Gottfried is the least sexy man on the planet, which seems a little short-sighted when you consider that Carrot Top is number 16 on the list, Richard Simmons is number 14, Michael Jackson is number 11, and Osama bin Laden is number 8. I'm incredulous: people would rather sleep with Carrot Top than Gilbert Gottfried? You'd think that Gottfried wouldn't be all that bad with the lights out and his mouth shut, unless you've got some talking anthropomorphized bird fetish, in which case his nasal cawing is probably the biggest turn-on for you since Sesame Street. Carrot Top, on the other hand — fuck him once and you're shamed for life with the scarlet letter of prop comedy, and probably pre-paid phone cards reminding you to dial down the middle too.

What I don't find reassuring is that there's no way the list of unsexiest men on Earth can be complete without at least one dude who's had his hideous face blurred out on Cops. I think at least one of the idiots with their mugshot up on The Smoking Gun is less sexy than that ubiquitous MySpace dude (number 79), although I guess I'm really no expert.