Thursday, June 29, 2006

Pimp My Toaster

It was a sad day when this appliance came to America. It probably emigrated from Japan or Korea, where engineers are less squeamish about cross-breeding gadgets into mutant abominations of God, and now you too can head down to your local Hammacher Schlemmer and purchase a stainless-steel refrigerator with eight electronic temperature sensors, in-door water dispenser, and, oh yeah, a built in fifteen inch plasma screen television with remote control. It's a televator, or a refrigerision, or a hybrid appliance that I believe we can use as a nation to determine, when the Martians attack, who gets a seat on our fleeing spaceships and who gets to be stuck at home, watching the invasion on CNN on their refrigerators.

Just how goddamn lazy do you have to be before you're going, "Gee, I'd like a snack, but that would mean I'd have to get off the couch, walk ten feet to the kitchen, walk ten feet back to the couch, and sit back down and stretch out, all before the commercials end. How am I ever going to manage that! Wouldn't it be great if someone could put my snacks inside the TV?" Not that I blame LG for putting out the refrigerision — they're in business and the indolent, fat-ass American market has to be huge. In fact, I'm going to suggest they improve on refrigerision by adding a toilet to the appliance so you'll never have to move for anything. I call it Barnacle-Vision: The American Dream.