There's no better way to celebrate the Fourth of July than with gluttony, the most patriotic of the deadly sins, and thus the International Federation of Competetive Eating sponsored the eightieth annual "Nathan's Famous Fourth of July International Hot Dog-Eating Contest." Here's a clip from ESPN's coverage of the 2004 contest, in case you've never seen fat fat-asses stuffing fatty food into their fat mouths before.

If anybody's still confused, FOX news commentators, this crap is why the terrorists hate us — hell, I watch competitive eating and the color commentary talking about how it's a "sport whose atheletes are in prime physical condition" and I hate us... when I'm not too busy being grossed by the sight of a human garbage disposal trying not to vomit up twelve pounds of cheese fries. What's extra ironic is that despite competitive eating being "the fastest growing sport in the U.S." (uh, literally), I still have to need to hear shit from Men's Health magazine and the President's Council on Physical Fitness about how I'm too fat, or my kids are too fat, or my grandparents are too fat or whatever. Seriously, Physical Fitness Lobby, I'm getting really confused with the mixed messages, with you telling me that half an hour on the treadmill will be a cure for everything from acne to heart disease and then Big Pharmaceutical coming in and trying to sell me some Lipitor. These days, though, I think I'll stick with obesity, mostly because I don't see the world's fattest twins getting shipped off to Iraq.