Thursday, August 17, 2006

Further Proof That The War on Terrorism is Being Fought By Morons

You might or might not have heard of Gatorate-gate while flipping through the channels and landing on CNN or MSNBC for a moment. A flight from London to Washington, D.C. was diverted to Boston yesterday after a mentally deranged woman on board refused to return to her seat and crazily insisted that everyone on the plane wanted to see what was in her airsick bag. (No, Crazy Lady, I guarantee you that no one on the plane wants to see what's in your airsick bag.) The flight crew tied up and searched the woman, and they found she was carrying hand gel — which is banned on flights out of England — and matches. Which aren't. Because it might be someone's birthday on the plane, and how else are you going to light the candles?

The Transportation Security Administration, having gotten over its fear of Grandma Qaeda crocheting on the plane and now having finished replacing all the uneducated, untrained, egomaniacal black and Latino security guards with uneducated, untrained, egomaniacal white ones, has helpfully compiled a list of what you can and can't take on airplane. Let's take a look at how the TSA is making the skies safer for shoeless travellers everywhere:

You can't take Blistex on a plane. This will keep the terrorists off our planes, because they all come from hot, arid places and have chapped lips. Al-Qaeda might be willing to blow their dumb asses up, but they're not gonna get in an environment with dry, recirculated air.

You can bring a corkscrew on the plane, because Muslims aren't allowed to drink. I can't think of any other possible use a bad guy might have for a heavy, pointed object.

Screwdrivers are allowed in your carry-on luggage, provided they're under seven inches long. So if the airplane breaks down mid-flight, repairing the "Fasten Seat Belt" light is within reach but repairing the fuselage isn't.

Toy Transformers — yes, specifically Transformers — are allowed on the plane. I wonder how much Mattel had to lobby the TSA for that one.

Toothpaste and mouthwash are both banned from the plane, but you're allowed four ounces of "personal lubricant." First of all, I don't know about you, but four ounces ain't gonna be enough for me. But this is good; it's only taken twelve years since Jocelyn Elders was run out of the surgeon general's office for the government to admit that jerking off is okay! And on intercontinental flights, sitting next to fat guy no less!

You knew it was coming: Poisonous snakes are — care to take a guess? Yes, the TSA posts no restrictions on bringing your pet cobra onto the plane, although they may need to put its terrarium through the X-ray machine. Fortunately, I believe Hollywood is taking on the issue with a riveting exposé on the dangers of motherfucking snakes on motherfucking planes, so we can hope to see reptiles on board go the way of liquid sanitizer and meat cleavers.