Is It Too Late to Re-do My Junior Prom?

Here I am expanding my vocabulary of adjectives describing people I hate — to "carefree" and "audacious" I add "plucky," as in this headline from Reuters: "Plucky boy gets Miss Universe dream date." And before you even ask: no, the boy doesn't have Down's Syndrome or terminal leukemia or a billionaire uncle. He's just some loser... or, I guess, ex-loser who couldn't get a date for his school dance. His lack of success with the local non-beauty queens leaving him undaunted, Daniel wrote a letter to former Miss Universe Jennifer Hawkins asking her to be his date, and just in case this doesn't sound enough like a shitty ABC Family movie of the week yet, Jennifer said yes.

No! No! No! That is not how the world is supposed to work! She's supposed to throw his letter in the pile with all the other horny-boy stalker-slash-pervert mail, which gets analyzed for fingerprints and DNA before being incinerated and having the ashes disinfected. I guess I'm a little miffed — eight years late, now I learn that I could've asked Miss Teen USA 1999 Vanessa Minillo to my junior prom instead of James! No offense to James or anything, I just think Miss Teen USA would make a better prom date. She's hotter in evening-wear.

It's not even one of those things where you look back and go, "Man, I wish I'd thought of that," like Velcro or bottling water and selling it or the Internet. You go, "No fair — I did think of that! I just assumed that it wouldn't work, because the planet I live on is littered with disappointment, broken dreams, and shirtless ass-clowns like Matt Ratliff." Frankly, I'm getting a little fed up with how capricious it all is — after this dork dating Miss Universe and that guy on Craigslist trading up a paperclip to a house, some twenty-one-year-old dipshit winning over half a million dollars in poker and the cast of fucking Laguna Beach (by the way, how much more awesome would that show be if it was called "Fucking Laguna Beach" instead?) I'd really appreciate it God might publish some of the guidelines He uses when deciding who's gonna get blessed with ridiculously good fortune and who gets to wallow around with the rest of us in the cesspool of reality.