I'm going to spread some holiday cheer this year by telling kids everywhere that their parents lied to them about Santa Claus. Don't worry… I'm not a grinch. But I am sitting in the furniture section at Macy's listening to Kenny G's other Christmas album, so maybe it's not the greatest time to be try being merry. Anyway: The truth about Christmas is that there are really two jolly old men who fly around delivering presents to boys and girls on Christmas Eve. There's Santa Claus and Santa's bizarro evil twin brother, Rolf Claus, who lives on the South Pole and brings gifts to misbehaving heathen children throughout the world. Rolf brings the cool toys that your parents don't want you to have. Because you're adopted and they don't love you!

Rolf flies through the Yuletide night on, let's say, a magical yacht with his mistress, her hot but totally naïve sister, and their nymphomaniac best friend. Thirty thousand trained weasels pull the yacht around the world one night a year, and spend the rest of their time living with Rolf on the South Pole in his mansion made of gingerbread and tacky diamond-studded bling P. Diddy gave him for his twenty-eighth birthday. I mean, the weasels don't live in the mansion, of course; they're caged in an unheated facility two miles away from Rolf's mansion and fed a rabid, emaciated puppy once every two or three weeks. Rolf pays an Indonesian kid to clean up after the weasels, but it's okay because Ardhi is getting a TMX Elmo for Christmas this year. He plans to sell it on eBay to some snotty American with fat, overstimulated, snotty American kids to get rice and clean water for his village.

What? Don't give me that look. Rolf Claus isn't real or anything! So sensitive…