No Touching!

There's this dude at work who, uh, touches you. Like, you're sitting at your desk, minding your own business, and he comes by and gives you a shoulder rub, Bush-style. It's weird. Funny when it's the German prime minister, a bit more confusing when it's you.

Maybe it's a cultural thing. I had this suitemate back in college who had the same sort of shoulder massage greeting; he was from Madison, Wisconsin, so ever since freshman year, I'd been imagining that they have a different concept of personal space out in the heartland. What the hell do I know? Where I come from, there's a tacit "keep your hands to yourself" rule: two people hugging meant they were either romantically involved or just won a football game, shaking hands was some sort of profound alien mind-meld act, and kissing on both cheeks meant you were snotty wannabe Eurotrash. I know a handshake is a massive collection of social cues, but I still feel weird. I don't want to be the guy who spearheads a campaign against shaking hands — although if I were that guy, I might combine it with a charity drive to stop the spread of the bird flu.

Every other touching gesture I can think of actually communicates something, like a hug ("It's nice to see you.") or a pat on the back ("Well done," or alternately, "I empathize with you.") or smacking someone's head ("There's a fly on your head.") Hell, that European kissy greeting actually makes it seem like you're excited and happy to see the other person, which really annoyed me while I was in Italy. I guess that's one good thing you can say about shaking hands: it's not phony. "We are in each other's presence." True enough.

But back to my own experiences with feely people, as rare as they are. I don't know how to interpret them. Are you just lonely? Do I look tense? Are you coming onto me? That would be flattering, which is why I'm skeptical. How about we all just say hi, that way it's easier on everybody.