Jesus Hates Iniquity and Mini-Golf

Lisa and I went mini-golfing at Hyatt Hills, which is a very (cough, cough)... well-manicured course where every other hole is unfortunately shaped like a phallus. I uploaded a satellite photo of the course, and I know there's eighteen holes and only so many shapes you can make them (hint to Sweden: be a little more creative, thanks) but let's try replacing at least one of the cock-and-balls shaped greens with, say, a dogleg or a windmill or frankly anything that's not subliminally trying to make me horny. I know what's going on here: this is an insidious effort by the golfing liberal elite to turn our children gay.

Think about it: which Smurf-blue state is our national adventure golf capital? Colorado? Nope, it's Massachusetts, where they celebrate the Fourth of July with sodomy and group sex. Up there, they've got pirate-themed mini-golf and haunted treasure cave mini-golf, lagoon mini-golf and even (for real) plane crash mini-golf. You know who loves brightly-colored air disasters, right? Children.

On a related note, do they really need to give you a putter when you play mini-golf? Let's just roll the damn ball from now on; it's not like the game doesn't degenerate into cheating by the end of the first hole.