We're DOOOOOOMED!!!

The Bush administration is, once again, failing to heed the warnings of the world's top scientists, who've noticed strange happenings in our environment and are rushing to spread the word. We're facing a threat far worse than terrorists or global warming — astrophysicists at the University of Salamanca in Spain have postulated that, in the near future, our familiar three-dimensional universe will lose its time dimension and pick up a fourth space dimension. So maybe this whole string theory craziness doesn't have the visceral sci-fi imagery of the Earth swallowed by a black hole on Long Island, but "the fact that the Universe seems to approach a future sudden singularity at an accelerated rate of expansion might simply be an indication that our braneworld is about to change from Lorentzian to Euclidean signature." Translation: we're literally at the end of time, about to be cast off into the void of never and eternity.

All I'm saying is, you know that Mastercard fantasy hedonism weekend you've always dreamed of but would forever be putting off? You might want to get on that.

Those of you who are given to alarmism and panic should hole up in your tachyon-proof bunkers right about now.