My train was late today because of "small mechanical difficulties," which is code for a door wouldn't close. It's one of my many problems with NJ Transit, especially since they used to let you ride in between cars with the door wide open and the wind in your hair. What changed is NJ Transit's level of contempt for their customer — we're all such morons that we'll jump off the fast-moving train unless we're shackled into our seats. Of course, what probably happened between the old days and now is that some retard did jump off the train, because he saw it on Jackass or something, ruined train riding for everyone and made me miss my connection this morning. Bastard!

While I'm at it, here's the warning underneath a window on a New York City bus. Keep your arms and legs inside the moving vehicle at all times, assuming you enjoy having arms and legs. I absolutely can't stand being given obvious warnings — Don't spray bug killer in your eyes! Danger: coffee is hot! Life is full of risks, and if you want to take the relatively high risk, low payoff option of having a fireworks fight in the woods, that's your business. This is how natural selection controls the population.

There are people in the world — dangerous people — who are drunk with power (cough, cough, Cheney) but most of them are harmless little weenies whose sole purpose is to drive you nuts with their arbitrary rules, plus the obvious ones now chiseled in stone, so they'll have something to point at when they catch you. I, for one, won't be returning to my latest coffeshop review, Rohr's, not because the decor wasn't my taste and the wireless wasn't free, but because of their Ten Commandments, helpfully posted on the wall. You're basically walking into a nanny state: "Feet off the sofa! We are not a maid service: clean up after yourselves! No cursing!"

Even better, there's a separate list of bathroom rules taped to the toilet, and if the standard Rohr's code of laws isn't patronizing enough, check out Rules and Regulations... I'm sorry, I mean General Bathroom Tips #3 and 4.

Gee, thanks for the "tips," but I'm fully toilet trained and confident in my ability to use a bathroom without any retarded rhyming advice. I would've taken a picture of the non-bathroom related rules, but it turns out "no photography" is on the list.