Republicans Eat Babies

Hmmm... maybe that title won't help Kerry and Edwards get elected in November. But it's still true.

I worried for about three or four days that Kerry would pick Dick Gephardt or Tom Vilsack as his running mate instead of Edwards, and it would've been a political disaster. Not that I have anything against Dick or Tom, but we democrats need someone running who's charismatic enough to counterbalance Bush's lowest-common-denominator correct-pronunciation-is-for-academic-pussies folksiness that appeals to Americans who beat up members of the chess club back in high school.

All that being said, I really think it would be cool for America to have a non-gazillionaire president and veep, but we all know that I've got a better chance at winning the White House than Nader does, and I'm not even old enough to be president. It just stings a little bit. It's not that I don't believe Kerry and Edwards sympathize with my middle-class white-guy plight, but it just seems tacky for the less-fortunate masses to elect someone whose gets Robin Leach narrating their biography. It's like voting Paris Hilton for senator or somtehing. (And while we're on the topic, if Bush is that desparate for my vote, he can win it by imprisoning Robin in a Scrooge McDuck style vault so the rest of us can live in peace without Leach's painfully loooooong vowel sounds.)

Relief nonetheless. When I heard the announcement, I was swept up in Edwards's charisma, just like every other well-behaved Democrat. Repressed soccer moms, and even some drunken NASCAR dads, were putting Edwards pin-ups on their bedroom walls. (Nader-freak stoner dudes were putting pin-ups of Edwards hot daughter on their bedroom walls.) I forgot all about the facts that John McCain would've made a mind-blowing vice presidential candidate, that Teresa Heinz Kerry lives on a ninety-acre ranch and I'm so poor I've gotta live with my parents, that the Dems are closing forty miles of highways in Boston this August. For a few shining moments, until the words "trial lawyer" came out of some Republican devil's mouth, all was right with the world.