Butterscotch Brownies

In my culinary self-education, which isn't as dirty as it sounds, I've been spending a lot of time baking brownies. They're just the easiest things in the world to cook; if you can stir, you too can make brownies.

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Butterscotch Brownies

• 1 cup brown sugar
• 8 oz. butter, melted
• 1 egg
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract
• pinch salt
• 1 cup all-purpose flour

Combine the brown sugar and butter. Stir. Add in the egg and vanilla extract. Stir. A lot. Finally, add the salt and flour. Stir. Pour the batter into an eight-inch square baking pan. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 to 25 minutes. Lick the bowl, spoon, rubber spatulae, and electric mixer clean.

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The wonderful thing about something that takes zero brain cells to cook is that it takes very little to inspire me to get baking. I'm becoming quite the expert on brownies and brownie-like confections, or at least as much of an expert as one who's baked four batches of brownies can be on the topic. I'm even starting to deviate from the cookbook and experiment; today I added unsweetened chocolate to the butterscotch brownies (1 ounce, melted together with the butter already in the recipe) to dull the saccharine sugar rush from the pure molasses forming the brownies.

Next up:

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Whiskey brownies

• 2 oz. unsweetened chocolate
• 8 oz. butter
• 1 egg
• ¼ cup bourbon, Scotch, or other whiskey
• 1 tsp. vanilla extract and/or ½ tsp. almond extract
• pinch salt
• 1 cup + 1 tbsp. flour

Combine the choclate and butter, and melt them together in the microwave. Add in the egg, whiskey, and vanilla extract. Stir. Add in the salt and flour. Stir some more. Bake at 350 degrees for 20 to 25 minutes. Lick the bowl, spoon, rubber spatulae, and electric mixer clean, getting sloshed in the process.

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Fact is, I'm just looking for an excuse to go out and buy some booze.

I can't leave well enough alone, so I'm planning on deviating from the recipe in the book by just a little bit. Instead of straight whiskey, I got the idea of using Bailey's Irish Cream... but first I had to do a little bit of research. For example, I needed to find out what the hell Bailey's Irish Cream actually is, aside from a liquor that's approximately the same color and consistency as an enema. I hadn't drunk Bailey's in three or four months, and all I remember from that experience was thinking, "This has a pretty sweet, creamy taste and texture," and then, "OHMYGOD, MY THROAT IS ON FIRE!!!!" So, a naif, I headed over to the Bailey's website for some info.

Now, before Bailey's will give you the info you need, they want to promote responsible drinking, so there's a little form to fill out — your country and birthdate — I shit you not. Like no one's going to be able to fool this thing. Even though I'm over twenty-one, and even if I weren't, it's not like there's anything illegal about looking at liquor, I told them I was born on May 22, 1975. I wasn't carded or anything. (Hint: if you go to the Fanwood liquor store and tell them you're using the booze for cooking, they don't card you either.)

And so you log on to the Bailey's website, and the first thing you notice is that there's a sweepstakes. They're giving away a car. Yes, that's right, because they care so much about responsible drinking. Boy, I sense an ironic crime happening in the future. Anyway, long story short, it turns out that Bailey's = whiskey + cream, so we're cool there. Not sure how the cream is going to affect the brownie chemistry, but life is full of risks.