A Completely Impartial Review of the Movie Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle

Which totally sucked. I mean, the movie itself was fine and all. Funny, but not hilarious — somewhere in between Hollywood Homicide and Top Secret. Let's put it this way: if Harold & Kumar starred Julia Roberts and Kirsten Dunst and were called "Mona Lisa Smile," Mom would think it was the best movie of the summer.

But damn the Loews theater chain! $10.25 for a movie — it's enough to make me want to dig up the corpse of Marcus Loew and vomit in his skull. Thus, I always plan on seeing two movies on the same ticket: Harold & Kumar ended just in time for me to sneak into Open Water, which is what I really wanted to see. But curse my luck: H&K was playing in a lower-level theater and all the other movies were on the second floor. (Well, I could've snuck into Catwoman, but that dreck didn't seem worth the trouble.) Now, I've only pulled this trick off once, and it was at the Landmark Sunshine Cinema on Houston Street, which is too indie for me to want to really screw over, but when this little scam works, boy does it feel good! It's that feeling you get of taking on the System — the Man — and winning. Or, dare I say it, arriving at White Castle stoned after a night full of farcical misadventures. No, maybe I shouldn't dare to say that. That's retarded.

Okay, here's something I don't quite understand. What the hell were those old people doing at that stoner movie? There were like four of them in the theater, and I don't mean they were like middle-aged old. They were senior-citizen discount old. And two of them were together, but the others just wandered into the theater and sat down like it was a bingo hall. I don't know. Maybe The Notebook was sold out.