I approach the Kohl's at Blue Star Shopping Center in (I think) Watchung with a sense of dread; there's always the possibility of running into someone I know there. Mom says I need more underwear — I guess she's as afraid of bleach as I am — and I'm at Kohl's for two reasons: (1) I doubt I'll see anyone I know there and (2) if I do, they'll be as humbled by the ghettoness of the store as I'll be. Now, if you're not familiar with the Kohl's chain because you live in an area saturated with Wal-Marts or Targets or Century 21's, it's the store for rednecks deluded into thinking that K-Mart is beneath them. It's where you get 12-karat silver jewelry, autumn placemats shaped like cornucopias, and, now that Christmastime is coming around, a Santa Face Wall Plaque for only $8.99. Because there's no better way to celebrate the birth of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ than by saving 25% on ugly kitsch.

So, I'm waiting on line with my underwear-by-the-pound and I'm just amazed by all the tourist-trap white-trash crap people are actually paying good money for. I mean, I could understand buying say, an off-white yarn tablecloth if it actually looked good. But nothing at Kohl's looks good (least of all, the customers). Now I don't have the world's best sense of style, but I just can't imagine the mind-fuck decor these people have to be living in day in and day out.

Which reminds me, why the hell are people still undecided about the election? I think it's about time we round up the undecided voters and beat some sense into them.... Maybe we should start shaming people into voting for Kerry. I could sport a bumper sticker that says "Serial arsonists for Bush" or "My eldest son satisfied Dick Cheney's voracious appetite" or my personal favorite: "Pussies for Bush!" I mean, that one's good even once the election's over.