Should The Need Arise...

I've gotta remember to always carry a big felt-tip permanent marker with me wherever I go in case I need to do some emergency vandalism. Like, at the train station this morning, some asshole put up these Bush/Cheney stickers up on the building. Someone tried scratching one sticker off the building, and I would've tried scratching the other one off, but I didn't want to ruin my manicure.... :-) Besides, I thought it would be a much more effective political tool to make a trenchant addition to the sticker, turning into a negative anti-Bush ad. Unfortunately, the only tools I had at my disposal were a ball-point pen, a highlighter, and an eraser.

You'll notice that "my capacious wit" is conspicuously missing from that list. Anyway, I wrote — in big letters with my little clickey pen — "SUCK" on top of the sticker. Yes, yes folks, this is why Kerry's getting an Al Gore-style ass-whooping: Democrats do not think well when it comes to making scurrilous accusations against the evil empire under pressure. "No, you're a weenie. I know you are but what am I?" Like fucking third grade here.

Truth is, I wanted to come up with some way of fitting "Bush/Cheney hate America" on the sticker, but it wouldn't fit. I settled for outlining "SUCK" several times with my sad, sad pen so it reads "SUCK", if you happen to be standing close enough to the damn thing.

That's the thing about Fanwood, it's a fricking Republican town. And there are all these signs messing up people's front yards: "Ferguson for Congress" and "Elect Mawby/Strauss" and the dark prince of political lawn advertising "Bush/Cheney." (Seriously, the Democratic candidate for Congress is running ads where he says, "I'm probably gonna lose this election." What the fuck???) Every time I drive down the street, I fantasize about taking a joyride through some Republican property, getting points for every sign I knock over. You see, this is why I need a dog — a large dog, like a Saint Bernard or a mastiff. I get to walk the dog and let him do his dirty business on some right-winger's lawn, day after day, night after night, until Bush's ass gets kicked out of office and Ann Coulter is locked safely away in a mental institution.

Then I was thinking.... Better yet, I wish I had a monkey, cause I could train it to throw its feces at the offending Republican advertising. I would've brought my simian friend to the convention in New York City, too. I mean, what are they gonna do, arrest a monkey? We could call it a "Freedom Monkey." Or a "Liberty Ape." I like the sound of that.

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"No self-respecting man would come here [the press "spin room" at the third Presidential debate] with his hand up a puppet's ass. Except Dick Cheney." — Triumph the Insult Comic Dog