What Could the Columbia College Young Alumni Association Possibly Want From Me?

Got a letter in the mail today from the only people who send me mail: my college alumni association. (Okay, the college loan people also send me stuff in the mail.) What a shock; they want money. Now, first of all, am I the only person who finds it slightly odd that an organization with a $4.4 billion endowment is claiming penury, begging me — with one one-millionth of that in my savings account — for ten bucks? Seriously, from like the minute I matriculated, Columbia's been more desparate for ten bucks than I've been. And it's not like I haven't given them $140,000 in tuition already. Can't do a damn thing with $140,000, but with $140,010 you could turn Columbia into a regular lyceum. Or put a foosball table in Lerner Hall. Or something.

So, here's another Columbia plea for money. In the past, they've tried manning tables in front of Low Library, cold calling me, even sending a couple of the more popular members of the Class of 2004 to ambush me in my dorm room and offer me a Class of 2004 shot glass in exchange for ten bucks. Now, they're tugging at my heartstrings. According to the CCYAA, there are so, so many poor, poor kids who are just dying to go to Columbia, but who can't afford the obscenely high tuition. But my ten dollars can provide enough financial aid to support an underfunded Columbian for about three minutes of college. Or it can provide two students with one and a half minutes of college each. Which, to be honest, is about as much college as most doctors say is healthy for you. And if those incoming freshmen can't get their financial aid, they'll be spending that minute and a half at Princeton or Harvard or equally overpriced, snooty college.

I threw the letter in the garbage, but here's a friendly tip for the Columbia trustees from an ex-student with a grudge. If you actually give a crap about lessening the financial burden on the students, lower the fucking tuition, assholes!!!! I mean, even a Yalie could come up with that idea.