People Magazine Fails to Give Me My Props (Again)

Apparently, the folks at People magazine think that Jude Law is the sexiest man alive. Well, obviously, they haven't checked out the picture of me wearing my hot hot swimcap that you'll find in the upper-right corner of the page. God, that picture's making me horny already.

Eye of the beholder, people.

Fine, maybe I'm not the sexiest person alive. But it's not like I wasn't self-conscious enough of that fact without the good people at, uh, People reminding me of my banal ugliness. I'm twenty-two years old and still slopping acne cream on my face. I go to the gym to build up my arms and pecs and crunch away my tubby gut; instead I'm developing pillowy man-boobs while my flab-to-ab ratio stays as high as ever. But I have a good sense of humor; that makes me sexy, right? I mean, Louis Anderson and Carrot Top are sexy, right? Okay, bad examples.

Just be yourself, he writes, as he spits out a lump of pad thai because he's afraid he accidentally got a scallion in his mouth. I'm contemplating — only half-jokingly — plastic surgery or a diet of carbo-load and steroids — but only so women will want to fuck me at first sight. Hey, I could be creepier: my goal could be to get women to give me their credit card numbers at first sight.

It's not like I chose to live in a world where juries are more likely to acquit attractive defendants or kindergarten classes are more likely to pay attention to an attractive teacher, but I'd like to take advantage of that just as much as the next handsome guy. Which is why the misogyny starts to swell whenever I'm not nominated for homecoming king or named sexiest man alive by a vapid magazine for people waiting on the supermarket checkout line. I shouldn't really complain, since I've got the same urges to procreate with the most fecund (read: pulchritudinous) members of the opposite gender and I'm only half-ashamed of my superficiality.

Still, fact is, People — and women — are wrong. I am sexier than Jude Law, if for no other reason than Jude Law will never sleep with you, but, if you play your cards right, I just may.