Wait a second.... you mean to tell me that today's not Canadian Thanksgiving? Just the lame, gift-free American version? Totally disappointing.

Now, I loathe this holiday. I think a lot of my seething hatred comes from my younger days, when my dad thought it would be "hip" and "rockin'" if our whole family watched the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade together. Which was okay, maybe, the first time — and was okay, maybe, when Dad and I went in person and sort of watched the parade from the hood of a parked cop car. But what Dad doesn't seem to realize is that it's the same goddamn parade every fucking year!!! I know, I know, they add floats and special guest stars every year — and Dad doesn't have a fucking clue who any of them are.

By the way, while I'm thinking about it, does anyone else find Spongebob's phallus-shaped proboscis totally offensive?

So, no better way to celebrate the mass slaughter of America's indigenous people with a crass parade of helium-bloated corporate logos. I fell asleep about five times this morning, watching a "Cheap Seats" marathon on ESPN Classic while the parents kept asking me, "You're not watching the parade?" and "What's 'Cheap Seats?'"

Okay, so everyone's a decadent hypocrite, and I'm not thankful for that. To be honest, although there's probably a thing or two I should be thankful for, I'm not. In fact, I'm making my New Year's resolution to take more things for granted, to feel a greater sense of entitlement, and to be even more irascible in response to the universe basically screwing me in every aspect of my life. Now, I know, I have, let's say, my health, even though I'm allergic to goddamn everything and I managed to graduate from college without growing past puberty yet. But here's my honest feelings on the matter: health is a basic human right. If God is gonna put you on the planet, then it's just plain cruel of Him to give you cystic fibrosis or Lou Gehrig's disease or ragweed allergies.

Like, I'm glad I'm not one of the Darfur refugees, but, unlike the negative Nancys who want me to be thankful I'm not being hunted by the Sudanese Janjaweed, I'm too busy being pissed off at God for not snapping His metaphorical fingers and solving the damn Darfur problem. I believe that happiness is a basic human right. Inalienable and endowed by their Creator and all that shit.

And I'm not feeling it right now. I feel kind of estranged and depressed, and just bored with life. I tried lightening things up with alcohol during Thanksgiving dinner; at Sarah's recommendation, I had a white Russian. It didn't make me any more enthusiastic about being alive, but it did burn my throat, especially on the way back up. 8-)