Best Hanukkah Quote From a Born-Again Christian Ever

I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah. — George Dubya, December 10, 2001

Yeah, and don't get him started on Yom Kippur.

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I think this is the first year my family's totally forgone Hanukkah, which, for my folks, really isn't that much of a loss. I mean, maybe I'll have to wait till Christmas to get those new undershirts Mom typically wraps up for the second night, but other than that, the whole Hanukkah thing quickly grew perfunctory. See, Dad's the one who was born Jewish, but his family gave up the religious thing when his mother died. My nuclear family would've never even bothered with Hanukkah, except that Catholic Mom thought it was important for me to appreciate my heritage. To that end, Mom bought me "The Miracle of Lights" coloring and activity book, and while the Chosen were reciting prayers or whatever, I would read aloud such trenchant Hanukkah commentary as "Michael helps Mom in the kitchen baking potato pancakes, or latkes," or "Now it's Grandma's turn to spin the dreidel," and then I'd get to color in Grandma, who is the most stereotypical old Jewish lady ever.

The whole reading aloud thing ended, over Mom's objections, when I was around seventeen.

I can't say much about the whole appreciating my heritage, but if I considered myself Jewish, I'd be one of those insecure self-hating Jews. Seriously, as a little kid, the whole Hanukkah thing was just an excuse to unwrap some extra presents — Mom would hide them around the house, in a new place each night, and I'd have to find them, like all good Jewish kids did. One of the presents would be something like $4.50 in quarters and one would be relatively decent, and the question would be which night I'd get the nice present and which seven nights would suck.

Not much for heritage or anything though. Not like Christmas. Damn, giving up Christmas, well, that would be like, like, giving up Hanukkah, except I'd care.