A Completely Impartial Review of The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring

I finally got around to seeing this overhyped advertisement for New Zealand's majestic beauty and marauding orc population. I didn't see it in the theater because, let's face it, movies are expensive and my friends are a bunch of assholes who didn't invite me along when they went to see it. Not that I'm bitter or anything; I wouldn't have gone anyway. Tolkien, like Star Trek or that Harry Potter shit, is for losers who can't flourish in the real world and need to create a fantasy for themselves where nerds, dinguses, and hobbits can be the heroes. Besides, I don't buy into the hype... unless it's for me.

Anyway, holy shit was this movie tedious or what. Frodo and his band of merry men with weird haircuts wander around Middle Earth, running away from various monsters. Seriously, that's it. They're in a forest, and there's monsters, so they run away and hide. They're on a mountain, and there's monsters, so they run away and hide. Or sometimes they'd hang around and fight the monsters, and there'd be like a hundred monsters against nine guys, four of whom are fucking midgets, and our heroes don't even suffer a scratch. Jeez, can we get some competent villains here? It's about as much fun as watching other people play Dungeons and Dragons.

But doesn't New Zealand seem like a picturesque tourist destination?