Dear Mr. President Dubya:

Despite what you may have heard from your toadies, the American economy is in the crapper. Christmas is around the corner, but no one's buying anything. Now, as a patriotic American, I'm doing my best to stimulate the economy this holiday season. Unfortunately, thanks to your lame economic policies, I'm freaking poor. My parents don't have armloads of money either, because you gave obscene tax cuts to billionaires rather than the middle and working class like my folks. So, since you're such a compassionate conservative, I'm sending you a list of big-ticket Christmas gifts you can purchase to create jobs, stimulate the economy, and make my yuletide merry. I trust you'll do what's in the best interest of our great nation.

Here's what I want for Christmas:

• An iPod
• An 52-inch LCD flat-screen TV
• A massage chair from the Sharper Image
  
• A totally blinged-out Prius (hey, I'm an environmentalist)
• An X-Box and/or PlayStation 2
• that Robo-Sapien thing
  
• A pony (I always wanted to be able to say I had a pony)
• 20-inch rims for my new Prius
• a T-Mobile Sidekick

Thanks so much, Uncle George! You know, if you come through on this, I'll vote for you if you run for Prez in '08. 8-)

Sincerely,

Jay Harris