Is it just me, or are Christmas decorations getting gaudier and gaudier every year? Used to be people would just highlight the edges of their houses with strings of lights, and if they wanted to be ostentatious, they had colored lights. (Full disclosure: in my young and reckless days, I had a string of colored lights decorating my bedroom around Christmastime. But then I developed taste.)

Then what happened? They invented blinking lights, that's what happened. And from there, it was only a matter of time until redneck superstores like Wal-Mart and Target were stock full of glow-in-the-dark plastic Santas and inflatable snowmen, and everybody had one of those ugly-ass light-up reindeer on their lawns.

Now, it's not even enough to have one light-up reindeer on your lawn, you've gotta have an entire herd marching across your front lawn, celebrating the birth of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Don't get me wrong, I really like the Christmas decorations. I like houses covered in (white) lights — the more the merrier. I even, for one-twelfth of the year, like the piles of gifts, tightly wrapped and tied in elaborate bows; the fake snow and model railroads running around the Christmas tree. I'm not against decorations. I'm against ugliness; it ruins my goddamn holidays.