Have you checked out the government's revised dietary guidelines? You know, the one that suggests we all eat nine servings of fruits and vegetables daily. It used to be five servings daily, but I guess Americans are such lard-asses that wasn't cutting it. When these new guidelines don't slim down America's waistline, the government will put us all on a strict diet of tofu and Vitamin Water, injected directly into our veins.

Another section of the new dietary guidelines recommends ninety minutes of exercise daily, which is nothing short of frustrating. People have jobs and social lives, we have to commute and stand in line at the bank and call Domino's and get put on hold for half an hour; who has time to devote ninety minutes to "medium-intense activity?" I know that after sleeping for ten hours, eating breakfast (no servings of fruits and vegetables), masturbating for three hours, taking a two-and-a-half hour nap, and spending seven hours watching TV, I barely have time for an hour of exercise.

However, I do try to spend about fifty-five minutes at the gym, three times a week, mostly because there are no women in form-fitting workout clothes for me to ogle in my house. This leads me to my three-point plan for getting America in shape:

• Point 1: Attractive members of your gender of choice. It's pretty easy to disappoint prospective exercists. I mean, I just caught this commercial for Bally's fitness clubs and apparently Bally's is full of hot women under thirty aerobicizing. Okay, I don't know about Bally's, but ninety percent of the people working out at the Fanwood-Scotch Plains YMCA are on social security and, to be blunt, are pretty damn ugly. The more considerate ones wear sweatpants. This leads me to point two, which is...
• Point 2: Shame. Ever see that Maury Povich with that seven-hundred pound guy who was too fat to get out of his house? That was hilarious — in a pathetic way. Plaster his picture around the gym as a warning. Thinking about getting off that Stairmaster? Not anymore, you're not.
• Point 3: Cookie dough ice cream. Life's too short to follow the food pyramid. Even shorter with the fatty snacks.