Finally, something worth writing about happened in the world. And it involves gin.

Yesterday, Oscar Goodwin, the mayor of Las Vegas, America's Amsterdam, was reading to a group of fourth-graders when one of the precocious younguns asked him if he was stranded on a deserted island, what was the one thing he'd want with him. And proving that honesty is not always the best policy, Mayor Goodwin told them he'd want a bottle of gin. Later, a student asked him what his hobbies were, and Goodwin answered, "Drinking."

Needless to say, parents are outraged.

I'm sure they would've preferred Goodwin taught their children a lesson about telling a couple of lies when doing so is politically expedient. No, seriously, I'm sure they would have.

Anyway, I'm personally against fourth-graders drinking because, frankly, I want to be cooler than those little snots. Problem is that our schools' efforts to keep little kids from getting smashed are, by the time those bastards get into high school, largely ineffectual. Teachers try to scare their young students off the drink, but since the kids are too busy thinking about Pokemon and how they're responsible for their parents' impending divorce, the lessons just don't sink in. I, however, have come up with a good way to keep the kids away from alcohol, and its name is tequila. You have to realize that the kids are in those young formative years, when every trauma that happens to you gets locked in your brain for your therapist to extricate thirty years later. And in case you haven't experienced it, the sensation of imbibing hard liquor is like a colony of wasabi-infused fire ants marching down your throat. So instead of the traditional don't-drink-don't-do-drugs lectures, we just give the kids a shot of tequila and let them wonder why the hell anybody would willingly drink that stuff when soft drinks exist in the world.

Kid who gets the worm gets an A.