Tuesday, March 15, 2005

I guess back maybe six or seven years ago, America faced an epidemic of small penises. The auto industry heard a struggling nation's call and responded with the SUV, a "sport-utility" vehicle, that is, in fact, neither. Instead, the SUV is a gluttonous, obnoxious, big-ass, redneck, military-grade land assault vehicle, which is perfect for the suburbs, where there's not one square inch of unpaved land. Just in case you need to go off-road to take the kiddies to school. Anyway, the SUV didn't cure America's penis shortage, so Detroit came out with the inappropriately-named "Hummer," an even-bigger soulless mechanical affront to God. Tiny-penised celebrities like Arnold "The Governator" Schwartzenegger and P. Diddy couldn't get enough of these behemoths. And then there's Xzibit's tricked-out Hummer with chrome rims and like ten flat-screen monitors and a six zillion watt sound system. I don't even want to think about how miniscule his penis must be.

By this time, road-hogging SUV drivers have climbed their way almost to the top of my list of people who need to get the fuck off the planet now, right below Republicans and right above the members of the G-Unit. That's why I'm thrilled about the report just released by the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety that warns that maybe these SUV's aren't quite as safe as all those soccer moms think. Those gigantic motherfuckers are top-heavy and like flipping over in a crash because they're, well, gigantic. It's karmic almost.