I'm checking out the local Scotch Plains-Fanwood TV channel, which is sponsored by, of all folks, the high school, and I'm watching THE BEST program ever. There's this big black dude who claims to be from the Union County Narcotics Strike Force and in front of him there's a table of drug paraphrenalia. And he's standing there, just labelling all the drugs: "Next, I want to show you LSD. It comes on this piece of paper, and each of these blotches is called a 'blot.' You would cut off a blot and ingest it. LSD can also come on stamps. As you can see, these stamps have pictures of cartoon characters on them." Cut to a blurry rave and eighties techno music. Then cut to a segment where the narc shows us how to make a homemade crack pipe out of a prescription pill bottle, a straw, and some tin foil.

"Other names for ketamine are Special K, Vitamin K, Cat Tranquilizer, Cat Tranq, K, K-Hole, and K-Head..."

I get the point; he wants the kiddies to recognize when they're being offered drugs, or when someone's using, or when they're in a crackhouse, so they'll know when to run away and hide out in a parochial school. But there's some flaws in the execution. I half expect this guy to tell me where to get the best smack and where to get the best crystal.

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That's a good idea — mix ecstasy with Vicks Vapo-Rub and smear it inside a surgical mask, so you can get high without the ecstasy clogging up your nasal passages. Those druggies; they're so creative. Thanks narc!