I Could Do Margaret Spelling's Job(but I'd never muster up her intolerance)

The politically correct literature worries that "American children are ill-prepared to meet to the quickly-shifting challenges of the global economy than are their European and East Asian counterparts," but we all know that's just a euphemism for, "Your children are morons." Many, many so-called education experts and other bureaucrats, a few of whom are actually smarter than our ill-prepared children, have spent taxpayers' hard-earned money studying why our kids are so damn retarded, but I just made an astonishing discovery that can save them all the headaches:

The reason American kids are dumb as box of rocks is that it's 9:45 on a Wednesday morning and they're at Ronnybrook Farm, running around the Chelsea Market instead of in school, where they belong so I don't have to look at them. Unless we're raising a new generation of farmhands and milkmaids — and I don't think we're doing that in the middle of New York City — perhaps we should stick these kids behind desks, in classrooms... not in front of an ice cream store before ten in the morning.