On the eve of North Korea's apparent nuclear missile test, there's an almost comical amount of name-calling between Washington and Pyongyang. Dubya's chief of staff, Andrew Card, showed off his trash-talking skills by calling Kim Jong Il "not a good person." Oh, snap! The North Koreans, whose flamboyant and poorly-translated English media releases are always hilarious, called Bush a "hooligan" and a "philistine." It's like these guys never went to kindergarten: Sticks and stones and nuclear/nucular weapons may break my bones but names will never hurt me.

What's really fucked up is that both leaders are malevolent and absolutely right.

Now, if the U.S. and North Korea weren't run by egomaniacal psychos, Bush and Kim would realize that the best way to avoid a nuclear holocaust is to get themselves back to the six-party talks. But North Korea won't resume diplomacy until Condi apologizes for calling their beloved repressive homeland an "outpost of tyranny," which ain't ever happenin'. And the U.S. won't resume diplomacy unless North Korea dismantles its nukes first, which... honestly... come on, do these people want to be obliterated in an atomic fireball?

Maybe I'm not a born negotiator, but what I'd like to see is both sides make reasonable demands, or better yet, demands that make the other side look crazy to decline. For instance, if I were advising Kim Jong Il, I'd have him demand twenty bucks from Dubya before he'll return to the table. That way, if he gets his twenty bucks, he can say that Bush capitulated and if he doesn't he can claim that Bush is so callous he won't even spend twenty bucks to avert a nucular disaster. I'd also tell the Dear Leader to put some color into that olive green wardrobe of his, cut down on the hair gel, get much much smaller glasses — maybe from Lenscrafters instead of a marmish librarian, and maybe lose a few pounds. Also, if he could stop oppressing the populace and maybe give them food and electricity, that would be just dandy.