Friday, October 21, 2005

A few weeks ago, I was driving through Summit, getting pissed off because apparently no one in town was creative enough to come up with as many street names as Summit has streets, leaving the town with both a Beauvior Avenue and a Beauvior Place. Frankly, when I'm driving, I have too much on my mind, like not steering the car into a mailbox, to deal with shit like this and if the people of Summit care at all about keeping their mailboxes intact, they'll rename one of those roads.

Speaking of which, there's a movement underway in Greenwich, Connecticut to rename one of the streets because someone, who I have no doubt was a fifteen-year-old boy at the time, thought it would be cute to call it Hooker Lane. Maybe cause it's on the seedy side of town? It's particularly absurd because Greenwich is quite possibly the WASP-iest place on the planet, and I'm guessing it's one of the neighborhood's little pleasures asking one of the prudish Stepford moms of Hooker Lane to repeat her address because you didn't quite get it the first time.

That would never get old.

As per usual, they're doing this for the children. The kids of Hooker Lane are getting teased in school: barbs like "You live on Prostitute Street" go by unpunished while Jane Olenchuk's son has to deal with, "Dude, you must be kidding." Take a moment to dry your eyes. Being a kid is rough. Seriously Jane, tell your kid to crap his pants during a math test, that way no one in school will be making fun of him for his address anymore.

What? No good? You think your child has it bad living on Hooker Lane, remember that the street's eponym is a family actually named Hooker. Imagine the shit those kids had to take. But don't look on the bright side, Jane. You just have to redraw the maps, buy new street signs, replace the mailboxes, fill out all the change-of-address forms. Where exactly was this paper-thin skin of yours when you moved onto Hooker Lane in the first place? This is my absolute hugest pet peeve with homeowners — they buy a house and then they go on this Elizabeth Bennett crusade to overhaul the crappy neighborhood. When I was in high school, for instance, there was this local protest to prohibit parking on the streets near the school. The people living in around the school didn't appreciate all these cigarette-smoking high school kids with their torn jeans and loud rap music parking their '92 Mazdas in front of these million-dollar houses. Of course, the students don't get any say in this because we weren't exactly allowed to vote. (Not that the residents actually voted either, unless something on the ballot affected them personally.) It infuriated me, and I just wanted to smack some sense into these idiots: "Why did you buy a house near the high school if you didn't want any high school students in your neighborhood?" Like, when I get my own place, I don't want any prostitutes in my neighborhood. So I'm not gonna live next door to a fucking whorehouse.

Okay, there's my rant. Back to Greenwich. The official proposal is to change Hooker Lane to "Stonebrook Lane," which is inspired by a Westchester development one of the residents passed on his way home from the golf course and is also, therefore, the most white bread street name in history. You want my opinion, they should call it "Whinypants Road," and then see how Hooker Road sounds. Jane doesn't care: "Who cares?" she said, a springer spaniel at her heels as she unloaded her car in her driveway. "Anything is better than 'Hooker.'"

Really? Anything? Personally, I think Gonorrhea Boulevard is worse, but that's just me.