Thursday, October 27, 2005

Tyranny of the Majority

I guess Election Day is coming up because I got my sample voting ballot for the 22nd Legislative District in the mail today. Since I'm not retarded and don't need to study the ballot two weeks ahead of time, I usually just throw the thing out and I never noticed before that our gubernatorial candidates get to make a personal statement on the back. I was kind of happier not knowing about the freakwads vying to be our governor — now I'm scared for democracy because it looks like any moron can run for the head office in the state.

There's a part of me that's amused by the third-party candidates and wants to waste my vote on one of them. Like Edward Forchion from the Legalize Marijuana party. Gee, I wonder what his platform is. In case there's any doubt that marijuana's bad for your brain, here's the opening of Ed's personal statement:

"The reason I'm running for Governor [sic] isn't because I think I will win, but for the opportunity running gives me (and anyone who votes for me) to give the "FINGER" state-wide to our Demo-publican party politicians who wage their LIE based "WAR on US". "Us" meaning; [sic] "we the people" who freely choose to use substances regardless of what the "do-gooders" think is best. I personally chose to use the "GOD GROWN HERB MARIJUANA" so I fight our governments [sic] war on it's [sic] "POT-FRONT". The fact that I can obtain marijuana any day of the week I chose [sic] is testimate [sic] to the failure of our Governments [sic] racist war on drugs....
Seriously, Ed, put down the reefer for ten minutes while you proofread. I mean, the hell does "testimate" mean?

The rest of Ed's statement can be summarized as, "I'm sick of the Man arresting me for smoking pot, so I'm running for governor." Or Governor, as Ed enjoys capitalizing words that should be in lowercase. I have to give him props for going straight to the top, like I'm sick of the stop sign in the middle of Park Street so I'm gonna run for president and when I win, I'm driving right through that damn crosswalk, yield to pedestrians my ass!

What's striking about these third-party candidates is their passion for better government, their pathetically, utterly misguided passion for better government. The two-party candidates make the job seem perfunctory, but these little guys would totally shake up the state, before inadvertently sending it to hell. Since it seems like any drug-addict idiot can take a shot at political office in this great democracy of ours, I'm thinking that four years from now, I might give it a try. And heck, I'm not even a drug addict. This seems like a great opportunity for me to run on my sending people who were mean to me in high school and college to the plutonium mines platform. I can secure the all-important bully victim vote.